Watching porn has never been one of my favourite pastimes. It’s not that I particularly hate it — I don’t. I’ll watch it occasionally with my partner, and sometimes alone. It’s just that, in all honesty, to get off on your average porno storyline requires constructing a certain wall of disbelief. There’s some skill involved in not letting niggling concerns of ethics, logic or insecurities intrude on a good time.
Not long ago, someone suggested to me in casual conversation, that there are lots of straight women who enjoy watching gay male porn for this very reason. Not because the storylines are any better — it’s all the same ‘I’m in a compromising position and oh, look, a penis, I should suck it’ kind of thing. But perhaps watching two men would give me some new perspective on why most porn causes me to feel inherently uncomfortable.
Gay pornography is not something I had seen or really ever thought about before. For the purpose of being open-minded, I decided to test the theory out. Now, having done my research, I totally get it.
Seeing two men on the screen, with no females present, somehow made watching porn a more comfortable experience. I doubt it’s something I will be watching regularly — it’s not hot enough to change my ‘meh’ perspective on porn in general. But I will admit, somewhat shamefully, the absence of women in porn also created an absence of niggling annoyances.
In gay porn, there is no one to measure myself up to, no boobs bigger than mine, no wondering if my vagina looks like that (and if that even matters). All those insecurities that danced in the back of my mind and made me feel ridiculously unworthy were vanquished.
There is also a certain legitimate guilt that plagues me whenever I view heterosexual porn. I find it difficult not to wonder about the circumstances that were the cause to this effect. Who are these women? How did they get where they are? Can they actually be enjoying this? Is it possible to feel empowered in that kind of situation, or is that just more misogynist bullshit? I imagine this only confirms I am not an actual sociopath, but it makes it difficult to relax and simply enjoy the images on-screen.
Watching two men didn’t raise those types of questions for me. As much as I am ashamed to admit it, watching a man perform in porn became mostly about his penis. It presented no immediate concerns about fairness, gender imbalance, latent sexism and how I was contributing to all of that just by viewing it.
It was easier to objectify men than women.
A bizarre realisation — suddenly, it was possible to watch porn the way men do; to view people as nothing but sexual objects, without the guilt of a sisterhood behind me.
What that says about me, I’m not exactly sure. But it certainly justifies further investigation.
