Can three in a bed ever be less than a crowd?
Threesomes are a fairly common fantasy — two men, one woman; two women, one man — getting it on in various steamy configurations. Fantasy is not reality, however, and what seems hot in your imagination can stir very different emotions when it is happening there in front of you.
Once the heat dies down, you could find yourself in a crowded bed feeling completely alone. What if the others do something you and your partner have never done? What if your partner responds in a way he or she has never responded to you? What if this third person has something you don’t? What if he or she does something better than you, or differently?
These differences can be part of the thrill, but they can stir up insecurities about your relationship and about you. You might find yourself wondering what if… which can be difficult to get past. Take the following examples:
Susie, Lara and John
Susie and Lara have been dating for a while. Drunk at a party one night, they end up in bed with John. The three of them enjoy a very steamy night and then fall asleep in the same bed. When Susie wakes up she realises John has ended up between her and Lara. She’s not sure, but thinks the two of them might have got it on while she was asleep. In any case, they are now spooning. All she can see is this man, an intruder, being intimate with her lover. She starts to feel sick. What if Lara decides she prefers being with John?
Grace, Michael and Robert
Grace and Michael, a long-term couple seeking a new experience, decide to advertise online for a man to join them. They recruit Robert, a single guy keen to explore. During the meet, it becomes clear that Michael is attracted to the new recruit. In the heat of the moment, the guys get it on, until Robert tells them both he’s fairly sure he’s straight. Michael on the other hand, thinks he might prefer men. What if Grace and Michael’s relationship doesn’t recover?
Jo, Steve and Maria
Jo has been seeing Steve for a few months, but they aren’t exclusive. Jo has expressed an interest in having someone join them. Steve finds Maria, a girl who is similarly keen. Steve arranges the meet up. Part way through Jo realises Steve and Maria already know each other. In fact, Maria knows Steve a lot better than Jo does. Jo feels a little jealous, and a lot insecure. What if everything else Steve told her was a lie?
To make sure your threesome remains as hot in your memory as it was in the moment, you need to step into the realm of fantasy – accept that it is fantasy — and step back out again afterwards. Be prepared for what could happen and how it might make you feel.
Before you get busy
These are just a few of the questions you might consider to help mentally prepare for sharing one or more partners:
- How will it feel if you’re left out at any point?
- How will it feel if you’re not?
- How much interplay should there be between each of you?
- Where the threesome involves people of the same gender, how much homoerotic play should there be?
- Are certain activities off-limits and for who? What are your boundaries?
- How intimately do you know each other? Are any of you dating, or partnered?
- If two of you are involved with the same person, how are you going to feel if they are more intimate with each other than with you?
- How will it feel if one person gets more attention than the others?
- Could this encounter affect your relationships?
- How are you going to feel around each person afterwards?
If you’re not comfortable answering these questions, maybe a threesome isn’t for you — at least, not in your current situation. It’s important to be secure in yourself and in your relationship(s) before opening up to someone else. No one can control how others are going to act and react, or how they feel about it afterwards. You can only be aware of your own emotions and choose how you respond.
In the moment
No matter how drunk, stoned, or lost in the moment you are, try to check in with all parties. Keep an eye out for changes in body language. Has someone gone quiet, or stopped participating? Be mindful and respectful of each other’s relationships and feelings.
If the others are having a private moment, give them space and wait for them to invite you back in. If you’ve initiated the encounter, make sure the third party feels welcome, and keep your jealousies in check.
Don’t assume the encounter will involve a sleepover, but if it does, discuss who should sleep where. This can avoid a lot of awkwardness. A couple might not be comfortable sharing their bed, so one of you could end up sleeping in the next room. If you’re hosting, maybe ask how your guest(s) plan to get home afterwards. If they are welcome to stay, let them know, and mention if it’s a spare bed you’re offering. Spending the night bunked in together can be a lot of fun, but each of you has to be comfortable.
If a couple has been generous enough to invite you into their private domain, keep to their boundaries — you don’t want to be a perceived threat. They may invite you again, but don’t be offended if they don’t. There are many factors at play, which may have nothing to do with you.
Similarly, if you are part of a couple, and invite someone to join you, be a gracious host. Make him or her feel welcome, and thank them afterwards. Don’t leave anyone feeling like a used tissue.
It shouldn’t be one person’s threesome more than any other’s — you should each own it. But that means giving and forgiving as well as taking, and accepting that you might see things you’re not entirely comfortable with.
Don’t lose sight of the unique opportunity a threesome provides: not only can you make love to two others, you will have a chance to see your lover making love to someone else. Let it be a beautiful and erotic memory that helps you and your relationships grow, not a what if hanging over you.
A version of this piece first appeared in Rhonda Perky’s Bits on October 21, 2011
