Hi Rhonda,
My boyfriend and I are in love with each other but he has desires to have a sexual relationship with a shemale! I have tried using a strap on with him but as he’s previously experienced shemales before the desire is always there! I’m open minded and pleased he has opened up to me but I now face the fear of never being enough to satisfy him! He says he’s not gay but also cross dresses and is on a cross dressing site to meet with t-girls. He said he doesn’t like the idea of sex with a man but feels he needs the sensation of a real cock so he looks for a man who looks and dresses like a woman! Is this a recipe for disaster? Or should I continue to support him in his needs?
Laydee
Hi Laydee,
Everyone has unique and individual sexual desires, and when a relationship partner’s desires don’t align with yours, that doesn’t have to spell disaster.
‘Shemale’ fantasies are common among heterosexually identified males. There is a video by a couple of cognitive neuroscientists who pose a theory for why this might be the case that you might find interesting (if you haven’t already seen it).
You sound generous and understanding, willing to accommodate and support your partner’s desires. You don’t say, however, whether you are getting your relationship and sexual needs and desires met, or how the relationship is overall.
Whether this sexual discrepancy is something you can make work depends on a few key considerations:
- Are you happy with the relationship (putting the sex aside)? Does it meet your needs and wants? Are you a good team?
- Are you happy with the sex you have with your partner? Is your sexual relationship flexible enough that you can share sexual pleasure and intimacy with and/or without incorporating your partner’s ‘shemale’ fantasies?
- If your partner is getting some of his sexual needs met outside the relationship, such as on the cross-dressing site you mention, does he afford you the same freedoms? (You don’t have to take this option up, but it is important to know your partner will accommodate your sexual desires fairly).
- Are you taking measures to protect one another’s sexual health and wellbeing?
You say you fear ‘never being enough to satisfy him’. I want to break this into two important components.
Firstly, it is important to distinguish between sexual fantasy and relationship reality. The above considerations should tell you that a) your relationship is more than sex b) the sex you share is about more than desire, and c) sexual desires exist (and you can support them) beyond your relationship, without detracting from the relationship or sex you share.
Secondly, it is important to separate your feelings of self-worth and value as a relationship and sexual partner from your partner’s fantasies. It is natural to find people other than your partner attractive. Does this mean your partner is any less to you? Of course not. Does your partner still desire and love you? Of course he does.
No one can be all things to their partner. It’s about finding a balance that is good enough for you both (remember, no relationship is ‘perfect’). And if you can’t find that balance, if the negatives outweigh the benefits, you have a choice to make about whether it is worth staying.
Best of luck. Let me know how it turns out.
Rhonda x
