Dear Rhonda,

I recently got involved with someone I’ve known since I was little and I crave to be his submissive but he is new to this. But the way he talks about how he would punish me if I was bad makes me wonder if he has dominant traits but doesn’t realise it. He seems to know how to punish and how to reward me…. How do I help him become the dominant he really is?


Dear Mia,

It sounds like you need to have a conversation about dominance and submission (you might find this question on introducing a kink helpful here). Frame it as something positive you would love to share with him. For instance, you could start by sharing some of your fantasies, and gauge his response. Does the idea of your submission to him turn him on? Is it something he would like to explore with you?

If yes, you need to work out how and where to start, set some ground rules (boundaries and safewords), and go from there. You could also research BDSM together, and get some tips on starting out.

If he is new to BDSM, or to D/s play specifically, tread gently and ease your way in.  As the more experienced partner, be mindful of, and operate within, his comfort levels. Sometimes what we enjoy in fantasy can be a little confronting in reality. Be prepared to stumble along the way. You can always push further next time. Aftercare is essential, too.

I would love to reassure you his desire to punish and reward is a good sign, and I hope it is, but it may also be a sign of something less savoury, so make sure he respects your boundaries, and you.

And if he is not into D/s play, and not willing to give it a try, you need to decide if you can live with that, too.

Play safe,

Rhonda x

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