Starting out in BDSM
You may find it daunting to enter the world of Bondage, Discipline, Sadism and Masochism (BDSM). Power play, humiliation, restraints, pain and/or paraphernalia can leave you feeling vulnerable, even fearful, for your physical and psychological safety.
For many, this is part of the thrill, but it does mean taking some extra precautions when starting out with a new or existing partner. Depending on what you’d like to try, you might also need to skill up. Certain acts of BDSM are physically risky, and as contradictory as it sounds, you don’t want to inadvertently get hurt.
Finding a partner
Some people are lucky enough to stumble upon someone who shares their kinks, whose fantasies they want to indulge, or who wants to indulge theirs, but many people need to go looking for a play partner.
BDSM communities like Fetlife are a good place to start, or other adult dating sites, such as Adult Match Maker or Red Hot Pie that let you specify what you are seeking. Here you will find like-minded people looking for someone to share their particular interest. Be open-minded, honest and upfront about what you want, and be ready to wade through the chaff.
You will certainly meet partnered and single people. Many people experience shame around their kinks, or simply don’t want to bring them into their relationship. BDSM can involve pain and humiliation, and not everyone is comfortable sharing this side of themselves with their partner. Some will be there with their partner’s knowledge, and others without, just like in regular dating.
If online forums and dating sites aren’t for you, try searching for BDSM clubs and events in your area. Some look a little daunting at first, but most will welcome newcomers. Clubs and forums are also a good place to learn more about BDSM and discover the kinds of activities you’d like to try.
Sounds like too much effort? You can always pay a professional. Depending on the local laws and the person, pro-Dommes may offer a full service, including intercourse, or only BDSM services. If unsure, ask. It’s a very safe way to try something new and skip the usual hurdles. And because you are with a well-practiced professional, he or she will step you through everything.
Playing it safe
Each time you meet someone new and take him or her into your home or your life — or you enter theirs — you are putting your trust in them. Meeting a stranger to engage in BDSM is no different.
It’s a good idea to spend some time chatting and getting to know someone before you begin. Always meet in public the first time, and tell someone you trust where you are. Share your date’s contact details and agree on a time when your trusted person can expect you to check in. It sounds obvious, but make sure you fully charge your phone before you head out.
If you are planning to use any kind of restraints, you might want to ask to see some photo ID, and be ready to share yours. Take a picture and message it to your stand-by friend. If your partner has been on the Scene for a while, you can also ask for references and recommendations from other partners.
Establish your safe word. You will need this even if your play is psychological rather than physical — neither of you wants to end up a blubbering mess on the floor afterwards. A traffic-light approach (green, orange, red) is useful for when you want to signal to one another to keep going, pull back a little, or stop altogether. Have non-verbal cues, too, for situations where you’re not able to speak. Discuss your dos and don’ts in advance, start gently, and ease your way in.
You may find you enjoy some aspects of BDSM but not others, including whether you’re a Dom, sub, or Switch, and this may change depending on your partner. Maybe you have one or more fetishes, and aren’t into power play at all. Maybe you like to give pain but not receive, or only like to role play. Be ready to communicate what you learn to your partners along the way.
Even if you’ve agreed to meet up and play, you can change your mind at any point. When you meet you may not have chemistry, or your gut might scream that something isn’t right. Trust your instincts and, if you need to, walk away. Your safety isn’t worth not wanting to seem rude or feeling beholden to someone you barely know.
Play to your level
Don’t be afraid to set and stay within your boundaries and levels of comfort, and be honest about your experience. There are no prizes for pushing beyond what you can safely and comfortably manage. You can always add to your repertoire later, but you can’t undo something once it’s done.
Remember, what you like in fantasy may not be what you like in life. You might love the idea of being whipped, or restrained, but find you don’t enjoy the pain. The psychological threat is often enough.
Porn might be a way to discover new activities, but don’t rely on it to tell you how to perform them safely. What the directors don’t show on screen could be the difference between playing safely and contracting something nasty, or ending up in the emergency room.
Everyone has to start somewhere, and when you’re dealing with human anatomy, you need to be aware of sexually transmitted (and other) infections, blood-borne viruses, and physiological safety. Things like breath play, blood play and suspension are considered edge-play and need an expert to do them safely — if they should be done at all. You certainly don’t want to jump straight in without understanding the risks and what an activity involves, so before trying anything new, jump online and read widely. If you can, get hands-on guidance. Some BDSM clubs and sex educators offer lessons in bondage and discipline. Some pro-Dommes will also happily to show you (and your partner) the ropes.
Mixing business and pleasure
We don’t often communicate our desires and limits to this degree, so you may find it hard work, or simply awkward at first. It gets easier, and the initial discomfort is worth not finding out too late that you’ve done something wrong.
Setting boundaries and negotiating what you plan to do is not particularly sexy. If you’re worried about spoiling the mood by talking about rules and safety, you can always arrange a separate meeting just to talk business. Between times, switch back to fantasy mode and sexy chat things up again before you actually play.
Aftercare
Whether you’re the Dom or the sub, it’s a good idea to check in on your partner once the heat dies down. Not as in, ‘Did the earth move for you, too?’ but to make sure no boundaries were inadvertently crossed. Play involving Domination, pain, restraint or humiliation can leave you feeling vulnerable, sometimes in ways you don’t expect.
BDSM can take you to thrilling but dark places. It’s not for everyone, but engaging in a calculated risk to find out might be a reward in itself.
