The Beach

So you’ve heard all the romantic drek about sex on the beach and will simply burst if you don’t try it. I bet you can picture it now. Waves crashing, heart pounding, salt tingl—Wait, what the hell is that slimy muck wrapped around my leg? Is that a crab crawling in your hair?

Next time you’re horny and the beach is calling, try grabbing some sand-paper and start rubbing yours and your willing partner’s genitals while throwing salt into each other’s mouths. Add manky seaweed for extra authenticity. It will be much the same experience, and at least it will save on travel time.

Your parents’ bed

A place that’s taboo, forbidden fruit, exciting! Well, maybe at the time, but if they wake up beside you to find you sweating all over their imported duvet, you might have trouble maintaining polite conversation over next Sunday’s dinner with Aunty Sue and Uncle Pete.

The Bathroom Floor

Unless you’re looking for a severe case of piles, spinal bruising (or hypothermia, if your house is drafty), the bathroom floor may not be the place for you and your significant other. If you do decide to try it, depending on your particular peccadilloes, you might also want to lock up/let loose your spare toothbrushes. Those things can find their way into the uncanniest of places.

Worst Places to Have Sex

Condemned Houses

Electrocution and crushing debris get you down? This might not be the place to enact your French maid fantasy.

Grassy fields

Sure, on occasion we all want to imagine we’re Sister Maria breaking her vows with Captain Von Trapp, but all that grass isn’t as soft and inviting as it seems. You may be lucky enough not to suffer from allergies, but a misplaced bee sting or a romp over a patch of stinging nettles will quickly see an end to your illicit rendezvous, if not your entire relationship.

Top of a Cliff

I don’t know about you, and maybe it’s the vertigo, but I have trouble keeping inside the bounds of a king-size bed without restraints. Having sex at the top of a cliff might provide a nice view, but I’d caution against it without months of balance exercises. Then again, I don’t have a fetish for plummeting 40 meters onto jagged rocks.

Glass Coffee Table

At best, sex on a glass coffee table will leave tell-tale arse-smears that nobody needs to see (trust me — Spray and Wipe is not as effective as it looks on TV). At worst, well, let’s just say that hospital trips are a pain, and they’re even more painful with shards of glass rammed into your arse.

Non-disclaimer: I’d say ‘don’t try these at home’, but plenty of people have — and more — and that’s how you end up in a medical journal (possibly also with an x-ray going viral) with a piece of Grandma’s finest silver bedazzling the inside of your urethra.

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