Dear Rhonda,
Have received what I think might maybe be a glimmer of faint hint of ‘you don’t suck’ from people lately. Which is cool, but this boy ain’t after any kind of relationship. Shagging is fun, commitment costs testicles. How does one politely say, ‘I’d like to get intimate with your private parts but I don’t particularly want to do dinner’ without being an ass? Or am I indeed an ass? I’m measuring a high degree of assholitude, but I don’t like me most of the time.
–him the confused

Dear him the confused,

Wanting ongoing casual sex does not make you an ass. Misleading your partners about your intentions does. There are plenty of women and men out there who are in the same place as you, wanting reliable, regular sex, sans commitment. Just be honest and upfront, explain that you want to meet people, but that you’re not looking for anything serious now.

Dating sites that primarily focus on facilitating hook-ups, like Red Hot Pie or Adult Match Maker, even OkCupid, give you the option to specify that you are looking for ‘casual sex’ or ‘short term dating’. Being upfront at the outset helps avoid disappointment later. As a guy, and the one making the advances, you can expect a high rejection rate. OkCupid provides some tips for maximising your hit rate (without being dishonest about your intentions) and not losing heart when you send more messages than you receive.

Most importantly, when approaching people, be yourself. It can be off-putting when someone comes across as sleazy, does not bother to write to you in full sentences, and won’t agree to meet for at least a drink in a public place first, which is as much about personal safety as screening to see if you have sexual chemistry.

You’re not an asshole for not wanting a committed relationship. Just make sure you treat the people you want to date (and yourself) with honesty and respect.

Good luck.


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