Dear Rhonda,
I’m 20 years old and a virgin. I’m dating a guy who loves S&M. I want to try it with him, but he doesn’t know I’m a virgin. Should I tell him or no? And if I tell him, should we try S&M or will it be better to start from easy sex?
–Lilly
Dear Lilly,
It is great you want to explore your partner’s sexual interests, as I hope he wants to explore yours.
In healthy relationships, partners take a mutual interest in each other’s desires, pleasures, physical and emotional needs. They also take into account one another’s comfort and experience levels and boundaries.
You say you are a virgin, but not how much sexual experience you have had. Intercourse (vaginal/anal penetration) is only one part of sex. I assume from your question, your partner is more experienced, at least in S&M.
He should therefore be aware of, and take into account, where you are at and what you are comfortable exploring. He can’t do that if you don’t communicate your level of comfort, experience, and boundaries.
My advice in this situation is to communicate, communicate, communicate! Don’t do anything you are not comfortable with. You might find my post on starting out in BDSM useful, particularly the section ‘Play to your level.’
This applies whether you are having ‘easy’ (I assume you mean non-BDSM) sex, or exploring your kinks. Start wherever you are comfortable, and work from there.
Best of luck,
Rhonda x
