Dear Rhonda,

I love my boyfriend and we’ve only been together for a few months. We started having sex after a couple weeks and it’s great I can’t complain at all. I’m an extremely horny person and I am very attractive and guys always hit on me and try and get in my pants. I’m usually sexually attracted too and I find it really hard to refuse. A guy friend who has a girlfriend has asked me to cheat together. He is incredibly good looking and the sex would be amazing and I also know his penis is bigger than my boyfriends. I don’t know what to do if I should cheat or ask for an open relationship and how because I know how much my boyfriend loves me and I don’t want to throw that away.

— Tiffany

Life is about choices

Hi Tiffany,

It sounds like you are in a bit of a bind. You have only been in your relationship for a few months, and while it is natural to feel attracted to multiple people, whether you act on that attraction is a choice. It is also a choice whether you remain in your relationship.

Do you think it’s just this one offer that is super tempting? Do you feel capable (and willing) to make a monogamous commitment to your boyfriend? You may have to suck this one up as an experience you choose not to have. It is possible to enjoy the sexual energy and tension created by outside attention and not act on it. Say thanks but no thanks, put Mr Hot Well-Endowed Guy in your spank-bank, refocus on your relationship and stay faithful to your boyfriend.

Is monogamy right for you?

On the other hand, you say you are a very horny person in general and often find it hard to refuse when guys hit on you. It may be you are not inclined to be monogamous. Some people aren’t, and that’s just who and how they are. If this sounds like you and it’s not just this offer you struggle to refuse, I recommend you don’t try to be in a monogamous relationship. Otherwise, whomever you are with will start to represent everyone you have passed over to stay faithful, and that’s not fair on them or you.

Opening up: the conversation

It you decide monogamy (in general) is not for you, then yes, have the conversation with your boyfriend. I don’t recommend cheating in this case. You have only been together a few months; you don’t want to do that to your partner or yourself. Yes, the conversation will be tough, and yes, there is a risk it will end the relationship, but you need to be honest about who you are and what you want in a relationship, particularly long-term.

I have written before about asking for an open-relationship (here and here) and also about monogamy. I recommend gauging your boyfriend’s views on monogamy and what monogamy means to him. Reassure him of your love, commitment and attraction. Put yourself in his shoes.

Keep learning, keep growing, keep talking

It’s possible that if your boyfriend agrees to non-monogamy it won’t happen right away (so banging Mr Hot Well-Endowed Guy is not guaranteed). You may need to ease into non-monogamy and agree on mutually comfortable terms. Keep checking in with one another. Non-monogamy is not a single-conversation. You will need to negotiate and renegotiate as you find what works (and what doesn’t) for you both.

Whatever you decide, you will learn a little more about yourself, what you want and need in a relationship, and that life is about choices. Sadly, we can’t always have our cake and eat it. Good luck, and let me know how you go.

Rhonda x

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