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Dear Rhonda,
I enjoyed your posting, and found it because I’m also struggling with monogamy and talking to my partner about it. I’m worried that maybe I’m unable to commit to a long term relationship, because of my ‘wandering eye’ and my intense attraction to others, but I can’t just see myself walking away from an amazing person because of my sexual desires for others. Any advice on opening up a dialogue to an (almost) unsuspecting boyfriend?
–CC
Dear CC,
Sadly, I hear this question a lot. One person wants to open things up and experience sex outside of the relationship, but they don’t know how to raise the topic of an open relationship with their partner. Often they don’t even know how their partner feels about monogamy. It’s just not something we talk about.
Telling your partner you are attracted to someone else does not have to mean you value them any less, that you are not committed to the relationship, or that you find them any less attractive or amazing. But you can’t even begin to address your partner’s fears until you understand what those fears are, until you know what monogamy represents to them, and until they know what it represents to you.
For all you know, your boyfriend also struggles with a wandering eye. Conversely, he may hold monogamy up as a measure of love, commitment, and self-worth. When we assume monogamy is the default, when we don’t really talk about it, we don’t allow ourselves to explore what it truly means and the values we attach to it.
Try raising the topic of non-monogamy with him. Grab a copy of Sex at Dawn, The Ethical Slut or Opening Up. Start listening to Savage Love or jump on forums like reddit.com/r/nonmonogamy. You may not agree with everything you read or hear, but it will at least give you a starting point to open up the conversation before you talk about opening up yourselves.
I really hope you guys can work this out. Let me know how you go.
–Rhonda
This question was originally asked in response to ‘Why I struggle to give unbiased relationship advice‘
Got a question on sex, sexuality, relationships or little bits of life? Ask Rhonda
at 1:18 am
my fiance and i use to have an open relationship but we stop with the open relationship cause he was having some trouble finding a girl that likes him, to tell u the true at 1st i didnt like the idea of an open relationship but now i dont know whats wrong with me i have a wondering eye and i been feeling attracted to other guys im trying so hard to control my self but im kinda finding my self strangling with that, i love my fiance so much but i have this arge that im finding hard to control and to tell u the true im scare to bring up the open relationship cause i know hes going to say no cause when we had the open relationship i got with alot of people and he didnt and he thinks that im selfish for been with alot of people instead of finding him a woman for him, i feel so bad cause how i am is not fair for him hes such a good fiance but i feel like i want this open relationship im scare that tenttion is going to make me cheat i dont want to cheat but i cant control my self 🙁 what should i do
at 8:54 am
Dear bdenis
Thank you for your comment. I think this is a question that is very relevant to my readers, so I have responded in a post via Ask Rhonda: http://perksmag.com/ask-rhonda/fiance-struggles-find-partners-open-relationship/
Best of luck,
Rhonda xx
at 10:09 am
I’m have a similar problem, a few years back my fiance wanted more experience. You See we had only been with each other, at first I said no. Eventually I said yes, but I didn’t want to, I didn’t think it was a big deal. So now he has been with someone else and I have only been with him. We have talked before and he said he doesn’t know what would happen if he knew I had been with someone else. I really want to now I can’t help myself but to think about it…now I have someone in mind and I want to bring it up for real now. I just don’t know how to. A lot of people I know says it’s only fair, but I don’t know I am scared I will do something I regret. How do I tell him this is what I want. And how do I tell him I don’t just want it to be a one time thing.
at 2:19 pm
Dear alc,
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I have responded in a post via Ask Rhonda: http://perksmag.com/ask-rhonda/partner-someone-else-now-want-turn/
Best of luck,
Rhonda xx
at 9:52 am
I know this gonna sound like I’m pulling your leg. But if you’re struggling that hard your gonna have to tell him.
2 ways I can think to soften the blow (incase it’s required), from a make perspective offer a 3 some as part of the deal and tell him about all the sex he’s gonna get. Trust me, us blokes like like more than the idea of being oversexed (add beer to that you just up our top 10 list).
How I would play out the lead up to asking about the open relationship… Plant the send and let it sit for a while.
Maybe time your having sex, get dirty, whisper in his ear how you’d love to see him with another woman (even though you probably don’t), but be explicit, REALLY descriptive, also be vulgar neither of the words penis or vagina are particularly sexy (visit literotica.com) for research material phrasing.
Let that one stew for a while. Offer a threesome. Start with 2 girls, again play to his ego. Later go the two guys, it’s only fair. By the point, he’s had thoughts about other women you have both experienced others within the confines of the relationship, the open relationship is just a short step away… Getting to this point is timing. Let his mind to the work, don’t rush it. He will come the idea himself if you don’t rush it.
Pretty much the same approached worked on my now ex girlfriend, no, not the reason we broke up.
But if I can you one bit of advice make a rule that neither of you will tell the other what you got up to (believe that will sting a bit), unless that seems yo be turn in for you. Another good rule is any extra caricular partners safe sex is a no brainer. Just imagine that coversation, “Wow honey we both got the clap! I wonder how that happened?” Not pretty right.
Hope my experience and bad anecdotes have helped a little or atleast started your mind on how to adapt the approach to work on your partner. Best of luck, be safe and enjoy. 🙂