Or, a tribute to what the internet does best
1. The flat-cat method
Take one cat, lie flat and hold the cat in place above your chest. Get a friend to take a photograph from the head down for Instagram, being sure to maximise your cleavage.
2. The shelf
Wearing a low-cut singlet and push-up bra, sit upright and rest a kitten on your push-up shelf. If the cat is light enough, hold it in one hand while you angle the other to hold your phone. Take a picture for Instagram.
3. Cat active
With your camera set up and angled to best advantage, place cat biscuits down your top, lie back and wait for the cats to appear. Video optional.
4. The puppeteer
Place your cat on a harness. Hang said harness from the ceiling. Adjust height until the cat is balanced on your breasts. This method works best on cats without claws or while wearing chain-mail.
5. The reverse puppeteer
Suspend yourself from a harness, allowing your ample bosom to protrude from your top, the invisible string hanging out for your cat to play with. Watch out for those claws!
6. Choking the Chicken
Smear a little chicken breast on your … chicken fillets; bend over to pat the kitten you prepared earlier. While it is trying to grab your breasts between its paws, have your photo taken from the side and a little behind for maximum cat-boob gropage.
7. Perspective
Lie on your back with your arms by your side, and your kitten in both hands as far down your torso as you can reach. Push your boobs up with your arms, and take a picture with your teeth. Give yourself an enormous … presence … with a tiny kitten (remember, the smaller the kitten, the cuter it is).
8. Perma-cat
This method requires the reflexes of … well, a cat. First, make sure there are cats within reach. Then, use a spatula to cover one breast (minimum) with superglue (or honey for a non-hospitalising, more temporary effect). Grab the nearest cat or two, smoosh them into your breasts. They’ll stick there long enough for you to take many photos.
9. Repeat steps 1 – 8
This is the internet and repetition is key. Vary the number, size and colour of cats you use (interchanging boobs is optional) until you reach saturation point. Do not stop when you get bored, only when you run out of cats or boobs….
…
65. The Groper
You’ll need a special cat for this one, a cat that just loves to hug. The photo will be no effort, but the cat may be rare. Once you have your huggable cat, simply sit in a comfy chair, lean back, and place it on your chest. The cat will assume a natural groping position around your breasts. It will stay there, so there is no rush on taking the photo. Feel free to take a nap afterwards.
66. Mouse Trap
This elaborate setup will require preparation, patience and luck.
Step 1: Acquire the board-game Mouse Trap ™.
Step 2: Acquire an actual mouse.
Step 3: Set up Mouse Trap ™ according to the instructions.
Step 4: Get some cheese from the fridge.
Step 5: Put kitty in cat-cage on one side of the Mouse Trap ™ board.
Step 6: Put mouse in mouse cage.
Step 7: Lie on your stomach, on opposite side of Mouse Trap ™ board from cat, breasts out front, cleavage wide.
Step 8: Place cheese in cleavage.
Step 9: Release mouse.
Step 10: Wait for mouse to start nibbling cheese, then release cat.
Step 11: Film kitty bulldozing through your beautifully set up Mouse Trap ™ board, heading straight for mouse.
Step 12: Take photo of kitty’s head wedged between your cleavage just as it hits.
Step 13: ??
Step 14: Profit.
67. Your imagination
Use it.
68. The Everyday
Grab a cat, grab some boobs, and take a photo.
69. Milky stallions
Place a shot-glass of milk in your cleavage, rest your rickety rack on something stable, and wait for all the kittens to come to your yard. Prepare your camera for high-speed shooting. We don’t want to miss any kittens!
Warning: many of these methods are untested, and some may require physically impossible breasts.
Disclaimer: we don’t recommend you try any of these at home, and take no responsibility if you do. However, if you do, please send photos to [email protected] so we may include them here.
