Dear Rhonda,
First the facts:- 60 years old and married for 40 of them, still to the same woman, have 2 grown up adult kids and 3 grandkids. Had an affair 25 years ago that lasted 2 weeks, actually left home for her and then returned. Have never been forgiven for that! Wife is almost totally vanilla. We once upon a time, could watch a porn movie and then have really good sex, still in bed and on her back, anything else…well, not on! I started watching porn maybe 15 years ago. That got worse and worse in levels of depravity and into BDSM and pain and then I was caught looking at it by wife. Terrible arguments ensued, almost divorcing, threatened with telling the kids, all those things. Yet I continue, trolling around, trying to hook up for a real time play with a sub, managed a couple of times but they turned out to be BBW. Not good really. Being driven mad by my ‘other’ feelings and cannot confide in wife – help !
–Trapped
Dear Trapped,
Your situation sounds complex. You are trying to manage your desires in a relationship of 40 years to a partner who appears to have very different attitudes and values about sex, as well as different sexual interests.
If it was simply that your desire for one another had waned, which tends to happen to couples over time (most people struggle to want to rip each other’s clothes off after a year, let alone 40), I would suggest going back to basics: try to seduce your wife again as you did when you were first together.
Remember the early days when you would kiss the back of her neck and trace your fingers along her arms; when you would work one another up, the tension building delightfully with no guarantee of resolution? To rekindle passion, you need to retrace those steps. Flirt and make out without pushing for anything more.
In long-term relationships when one partner goes straight for the ‘fun bits’ and it always leads to sex, the other can feel they are simply providing a sexual tune-up, and intercourse becomes another chore. Remind your wife that she is beautiful, that you desire her and want to share with her — not only for penetrative intercourse.
From the situation you have described, it sounds like the main issue you are tackling is a discrepancy in your attitudes about sex. Your wife may not be open to sharing or understanding your sexual interests if they are contrary to her underlying values. Her perfunctory starfishing may not reflect a lack of desire, but inhibition and a lack of sexual agency. Your wife’s anger at discovering your use of pornography and the type of activities depicted may stem from the view that pornography is a type of infidelity, or that pornography and BDSM are perverse and morally wrong.
Unfortunately we can’t change other people and our values tend to be deeply rooted. In a relationship both partners have to want to make things work, and want to make sex and sexual exploration a priority. In our sex-negative culture, people can find it difficult to be open to sexual variety, to see that sex is natural and healthy, and that kinks — provided they are not coercive or illegal — are a natural part of sexual diversity. In this case, it might be worth speaking with a sex-positive relationship counsellor.
A good therapist will give you the tools to have a full and frank discussion about how you feel and the ways in which you would like your relationship to change, and can help you address underlying attitudes and blocks to a healthy sex life. If you are going to make things work, you need to address the issues you have encountered so far. You mention infidelities, arguments, and tension — you need to work these through to achieve a fully satisfying relationship for you both.
It would also be worth bringing up some of your wife’s responses, which are totally out of line. If she has a concern with your sexual interests, that is between you and her. Her threats to involve the children are controlling and manipulative, and not at all in their best interests.
I’d love to tell you that getting this kind of help will open up your wife to new sexual experiences and interests, but it is possible she will never be into the same kinks as you. In an ideal world you would be able to negotiate for an open relationship, where you can maintain the life you have built together while getting your sexual needs met elsewhere with your wife’s consent. Given her responses to date, and that you have already broken her trust, I don’t like your chances of success. Some couples come to a tacit ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ arrangement, but you would need to weigh up the risk if she reacts badly, versus what you have to gain, and only you can make that call.
You can always continue as you are, attempting to get your sexual needs met behind your wife’s back. There is always the risk that you will get caught and your wife will follow through with her threats, so that is a risk you need to weigh up. It also sounds like you have not found quite what you hoped so far. There are plenty of sites where you can meet fellow kinksters and have discreet encounters; sometimes it takes a while to find a good match. You may need to keep searching and always be respectful in your approach. Paying a professional is another option, and more likely to guarantee success. In all cases, make sure you play safely.
If you believe some recent reports, turning to porn to slake your thirst may have the opposite effect, exacerbating your desire for more extreme stimulation and reducing your attraction to your wife. If this rings true, a porn detox might help ease your frustration.
The final option is to walk away, face the consequences for your life and for your family, and start anew.
Ultimately you need to decide what you are prepared to risk. Think through the worst case scenario. Deal with that mentally before you begin so you are ready to cope with any outcome. Then shoot for what you want to happen, knowing you will be okay if it doesn’t, and don’t be afraid to ask for outside help. Relationship and sexual difficulties can be some of the hardest things we ever work through, and it sounds like you’ve already been battling for two-thirds of your life.
I wish you the best of luck.
–RP
